Dear Side Walkers

Like, I mean the people who walk on side walks. Which is everyone. Because those who choose to walk on the street instead are stupid. And I hope they get run over.

I don’t think many people know this but walking on a side walk is very similar to driving. In fact, it’s basically the same, except for the mode of transportation. In the US, it is customary to walk on the right, pass on the left. Duh.

You’re supposed to walk with your head up so as not to crash into someone or something, accidentally step into oncoming traffic, of fall of a bridge. But with the invention of technology and shy people trying to go outside, we’ve got a lot side walk watchers. 

Don’t get me wrong, I do this too – watching the side walk as I walk. It’s another sign of, ‘Don’t talk to me’. It’s not very useful.

That being said, we’ve got a lot of stupid side walkers. You all know what I mean. 

Here’s the list. You’re a stupid side walker if:

  1. You walk in the middle of the sidewalk. Are you freaking kidding me?? I now either have to walk in the grass or on the street. And I’m not getting hit by a car because you don’t know how to fucking walk on a sidewalk. 
  2. You walk on the left. Like really? Passing on the right… is just strange. 
  3. You walk slowly. In the middle of the sidewalk. I’m going to plow you over. Because people like you should just walk in the middle of the street. You are also probably the type to be on your phone so you’re not paying attention. Have you ever been almost run over by a bike rider? I have. And it’s not fun. I almost shit my pants. Stay on the fucking right side. Or just stay in your room. Your choice.
  4. You stop. No. Fucking. Way. I absolutely hate you. You are the worst type of side walker. Like, do not stop. Ever been driving and the crazy person in front of you stops? For like, no reason at all? No stop signs, no red lights, no animals in the street – nothing, nada, zilch. But they stopped. You crashed into them and it’s your fault. Fuck. Well guess what? Sidewalking is the same way. If you stop in the middle of the sidewalk and I run into you, I’ma punch you first. Sure, maybe I wasn’t watching where I was going. But then again, maybe you shouldn’t have stopped. Pull off to the side, admire whatever the heck you were doing, then keep going. Watch your back.
  5. You pass on your terrible etiquette to other people (like your children). I was walking down the street the other day. A father and his cute 6-year-old? boy hand in hand coming the other way. So cute. I’m debating whether or not to step on the grass to move out of the way of the people. I kind of want to be the douche who keeps walking and creates a really awkward scenario but I don’t want to show that side to the little boy. I wait a little bit, slowing down, wondering what the father is going to do. And? He doesn’t pull his son closer to him or edge him forward so that they only take up half the side walk. He just keeps on walking, taking up the whole fucking sidewalk. Like, are you deliberately going to make me step on the grass? Sure, maybe you didn’t really notice me. Or maybe I stepped on the grass too fast for you to realize that you were taking up the whole sidewalk. But do you know what I think? You just unintentionally taught your son to act like he owns the sidewalk. If he ends up being one of those terrible people…
  6. And THE WORST TYPE OF SIDEWALKER IS: the ‘I’m a pedestrian. You have to wait for me’. Yes, you have the right of way. All the time. But that doesn’t mean I can’t still kill you with my car… accidentally of course. I’m not going to try and run you over like I used to do with the ants in my backyard. That is murder. That is wrong. But… if you decide to take it upon yourself to try that 50 yard dash across a highway, route 70, or basically any big traffic section, you might not make it. I’m not going to speed up but I can’t stop as fast as you can either. Just fucking wait. Or it’s going to be one of those ‘Oh shit’ moments. Literally. Also, if I do find it in the kindness of my heart to let you go first, ie at a stop sign, don’t take your time. I don’t want you to run. That’s embarrassing. If you’re old or disabled, take your time. Don’t rush. But if you’re one of those teenagers who is just going to take his pretty time… No, I won’t hit you but I might rev the engine a little bit to scare the shit out of you. 

Basically, be a smart side walker. We’ll all get along fine. But if you decide to try one of those terrible choices above, just know there’s going to be a point in time that you wish you hadn’t.

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