Dear License Plate Owners

That basically means everyone…

It’s amazing and quite concerning how uncreative license plates have gotten. They used to mean something or just be a joke forever reminding everyone that you’re stuck in the past. They symbolized something about you. Kinda like tattoos.

Now? They seem more like user names.

Guy walks into the DMV and slaps down his new registration. “I’ll take Frank.” (We’ll call him Frank.)

Guy at the counter smirks, shakes his head. “That’s already taken.” (We’ll call him Bob). Of course it is. Doesn’t everyone know how generic that name is? If you can find it on those key chains in the stores, you best believe it’s already taken. I wonder who was actually able to get ‘Frank’ on their license plate though.

“Really? Oh. What about Frannk?”

Guy next to Frank (Joe), “Are you retarded? That’s not your name.”

Frank shrugged. He seems agitated. (He could be like a normal person and just get a regular people license plate. But he has extra money and he really, really  wants everyone to know his name as he drives by. But he’s driving a 96 station wagon. So basically everyone’s going to know that they passed Frank.) “I know but I really want people to know my name.”

Joe sighs. Is he angry? “Sure, but they’ll always spell it Frannk, dimwit.”

Bob scrolls through a few screens on his computer, “So, Frannk? That’s unfortunately taken as well.”

Frank slams his fist on the counter, “Damn, I just can’t catch a break. Maybe I’ll try my last name.”

Joe laughs. “Are you fucking kidding me? No one has the last name Schimmelbusch but how the fuck are you going to abbreviate that?” Frank scowls, as he should. Like really. You see:


What do you think? My point exactly. 

Bob gets their attention, “I have Frannk-1 available.”

Frank scratches his head. Joe chimes in, “Really? How many Franks do are out there?”

Bob starts scrolling again, “Well-” He’s still scrolling…

Frank pipes up, “I’ll take it.” He sounds like he just bought a car or a house. But he freaking just abandoned his name for something close enough. 

So as Frank drives by – or better yet, as we all pass Frank, we’ll see FRANNK-1.

“Oo, look mom! It’s Frank!!! Hi Frank!!!”

But do you know what I see? I see laziness. Coulda picked, Frankster, Frankie, Frank-S but no, you went with that lameass screen name.

And what’s the point? The only thing I’ll ever see is that license plate. You’ll never have time to explain yourself. Maybe you don’t care. But I’ll always be secretly judging you.

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