Dear Boyfriends and Girlfriends

First of all – let’s get this out there.

I’ve never dated. I don’t know what I’d do in a given situation. My father says I’d act different. But you know what, I’ll kick myself if I ever do.

Here’s the jist:

You cheated on me. I cried painful tears. We fought. We broke up. I was depressed. I didn’t eat. I began to fail in my classes at the thought of losing the last three years that I worked so hard for. Apparently they meant nothing to you. I lost control of my own emotions. I lost my best friends as I alienated them. I thought I was going to die as my heart broke in to two. You said it was a mistake. I saw it as betrayal. You said you loved me. I realized that your love wasn’t exclusive and wasn’t strong enough. I wasn’t enough for you. And who the fuck was that bitch? She was one of my best friends.

But then you reappeared. I smiled. I remembered the hurt you gave. You brought flowers. You apologized. There were tears in your eyes and my heart fluttered again. Even for just a moment. But I didn’t give in. You had to prove to me that your mistake was truly just that. You held my hands, your voice trembled. 

“I’ve been doing it all wrong my entire life. But let me do it right. Just this once, will you accept me again?”

There’s two ways this story goes. Scenario 1:

I looked you in the eyes, torn between two decisions. What was I to choose? You or my broken heart? I had never gotten over you since you had been gone. And now you were here. With me. Where was that bitch? I had so many questions but I loved you more than all of them. And I desperately wanted to give you a second chance. I just wish you hadn’t made me wait for so long. There were tears in my eyes now as we stared at each other. What was I to do?

I nodded slowly. One more chance. I could do that. But I knew that if my heart was broken again, it would be irreparable. It didn’t matter. I loved him. And right now, he was here, saying he felt the same. Past mistakes were in the past… 

My father thinks that while I wouldn’t take him back, I might be tempted to… Well, fuck no. I’m sorry, but if you cheated on me, you don’t get a pass. I might end up forgiving you but that doesn’t mean I’ll forget. It also doesn’t mean that I don’t know that you’ve ‘realized that I’m the only one for you’. When you happen to forget that little gem again, you’re going to wander off. And what then? I’ll be broken beyond repair. Be a man. End it first.

Scenario 2: (Sure… a little dramatization is nice, right??)

He’s holding my hands. I remember when this was a position that I loved. His warmth enveloped me and I would smile before I snuggled into his arms. Now, they were cold. Lifeless. Those tears in his eyes didn’t move me. Sure, my heart fluttered but only for a moment before I realized that it was still in pieces. I hadn’t fixed it. And neither would this. There was a small indent on his finger. There had been a ring. Apparently he had tried to make things work with that bitch.

But now he was back. And I was supposed to accept his pitiful soul. Not after all the tears I had cried. Yet, he looked hopeful, almost desperate. Is that what I looked like when we broke up? Hoping that he would come back? Aw, hell no. I stole my hands back and his fell limply at his sides. Oh, this was real emotion? Tough.

“You can’t come back here hoping that everything will be okay. I may have never gotten over you but that doesn’t mean you won’t make the same mistakes. I can’t judge you for one action. That’s not my place. But I also don’t have to relive the same hell that I just came out of.”

There are more tears in his eyes. This is really hurting him. He finally understands that relationships take time. It’s not just the flutter of the heart but the meaning behind it. But it doesn’t matter. I can’t take him back. My heart wants what it wants. But my pride won’t let me. 

“I’m glad that you understand what it means to have a foundation. But I don’t think you realize that leaving me left me broken. You broke something. And that can’t ever be fixed.”

Boyfriends/girlfriends: in this day and age, apologies seem to go a lot farther than they should. You have to prove to me that you’re not going to make that mistake. And it’s not just because I want to be your only one. It’s because you broke something that you can’t fixed. It’s shattered and there’s certain pieces missing. If you break it again, there will be nothing left.

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