Aloha

This is one of those movies that people make to induce what I call “the WTF reaction”. Because that’s exactly what I gave it. This isn’t a movie I’d via stars either. It’s going to be on the WTF scale. From 1 to the metallica movie last year (Metallica Through the Never – an 11), I’d give Aloha an 8.

There’s no coherent plot or thought in this movie that is followed through. Sure the main actors are trying to stop someone from weaponizing the sky but the way that it’s done… I can’t follow it. At all. Hawaii and its history – that’s great but it didn’t go anywhere. It didn’t really support the story. And all the myths didn’t make any sense.

The romance was terrible. I love Emma Stone but this was not her movie. The guy from The Office – I used to think he was funny. This movie proved that with the wrong role, he also can’t act. Between Cooper’s romance with Emma and McAdams, I couldn’t tell who I wanted to be together more at the end. I was kind of hoping for neither. There were a few heartfelt issues – the daughter, the breakup, following the heart but they weren’t really dealt with. It was very hard to follow, a lack of emotion, and a range of conclusions that didn’t seem to stem from anything methodical.

There wasn’t a lot of thought process behind it. I didn’t expect much. What’s worse is that it’s still going to better than San Andreas (which I refuse to watch. Update: apparently San Andreas’ CGI is so fake looking that it made a terrible movie turn into a complete disaster, no pun intended).

Overall, terrible. There were a few strange scenes.

The first was when Cooper’s old boss started massaging his back. I didn’t really know where things were going or why it was happening.

The second was the ‘no talk’ scene (not the one from the trailer) where the men hug it out. There was no talking just a lot of weird eye contact. I don’t know if that’s how some guys communicate but my dad sure doesn’t..

Girl talk? The ex-girlfriend used Cooper as a fill-in girlfriend to dish out her problems. I don’t know – since there was no real development into the story, it didn’t seem to do anything useful for the movie.

The most memorable part of the movie (and funniest) was after Cooper found out about his daughter and visited her outside the window of her Hawaiian dance class. Apparently the girl knew the truth and you could almost see the five stages of a breakup in her emotions as she came to terms with who her father was. And then she ran out to hug her father. The embrace was nearly a second. Then she ran back in and kept dancing, smiles and tears on her face. WTF? The teacher didn’t stop, Cooper stood there a moment more, and everything was peachy keen. Stupid….

But… as I think about it, I realize that this movie is very similar to what could have happened had I made a movie based on a book of poems. Choppy, artistic scenes that embody a paragraph of words and emotions. I wouldn’t recommend this unless you need something to laugh about.

And – what was the blessing? I probably missed it in the whorlwind of everything else. The whole movie was about the blessing and there was only a five minute scene…

Don’t watch this trash.

If anyone from Hollywood is reading this (or anyone who can answer this question) – who decides that certain movies are a good idea? Like who decided that Vampire Academy or Transformers 4 was good enough for a release? Did anyone see it from our point of view and go, “Hey, hold up. We might want to change a few things. This is kind of crappy and is going to suck at box office.” No? No one did this. Do you know how much money they would have saved and the pain we would have suffered? (Yes, I know I have a choice not to watch them but that never stopped me).

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