Jupiter Ascending

Needed some time to describe this movie. Honestly? It was almost as bad as twilight if not worse. If a movie is delayed (other than injuries or producer madness), the movie is going to SUCK. I’m going to detail the entire movie for you so there are SPOILERS.

First off, what is with that awful hair, Kane (Tatum)? I stayed in this movie for you but I barely could stand to look at you because of the abomination on your face. I’ve seen you in good facial hair but this movie wasn’t it. Moving on.

We went from aliens to Star Wars and Star Trek to what looked like Space Invasion (if you never played that game in an arcade or on your phone/computer, you’re weird) to Kane ice skating (that’s what it looked like) to some heroics and fantastic graphics to happy endings. The end. Now to the good part. I’m going to list my entire dislike for this movie. Great idea – kind of – but poorly executed and with the wrong cast. I’ll try to make this as painless as possible. So, without further ado, ENJOY!

Your mother’s reincarnated self has been located! Let’s kill her so that we can rule earth. Sounds fair. We turn back to earth where Jupiter (Kunis) has to wash toilets all of the time. You saw how her parents fell in love, her father’s death, and their new living arrangements. It sucks. She hates her life. Just like every other heroine.

  1. There’s aliens. Looks like a bad parody of Men in Black, especially when she can’t remember taking the picture. She was going to sell her eggs (make some money for her and her brother? who decided to buy everything before he received the payment from the operation) before they found her again
  2. Kane saves her. Tells her that life is on other planets. Jupiter reluctantly accepts it (all too quickly) and follows him. She doesn’t have much choice as the aliens would kill her if she went back home. The lesser of the two evils (although somehow the producers managed to fit in the fact that Kane was a werewolf) Did anybody else realize that he looks a bit retarded?
  3. So let’s do this beam me up scotty stuff. Oh no, we’re getting shot at. We’re going to have to find another way. Kane uses his ice skating moves and fighting skills whilst holding Jupiter. Great graphics. Jupiter comes away without a scratch. Kane has been shot (of course). For me, Kane was losing his man card what with that ice skating. Jupiter stops the bleeding with a tampon/pad. Probably most realistic part of the movie
  4. We arrive at the safe house for aliens. Jupiter is surrounded by bees. She must be royalty because bees recognize royalty. Jupiter’s a little freaked but not enough for a regular human being who just found out that other planets exist. She’s terribly interested in Kane who happened to kill a royal years ago. She’s already falling in love. This is stupid. (She calls home. Brother is angry because he bought all the stuff and there’s no money).
  5. Jupiter is whisked away by other aliens and Kane thinks it’s a great idea to run and jump onto the ship as it goes through space. Perfectly doable.
  6. Jupiter arrives, in awe, of course after being shown what eternal life gives. She’s told that she’s the owner of earth. Hmm, cool. Jupiter doesn’t have the time to figure everything out before Kane runs into save her.
  7. They take her to another planet to get her licensed. See, each person is reincarnated years later. They leave somewhat of an inheritance. Jupiter is the reincarnation of their mother. So, she claims her inheritance in a place similar to the DMV. She tries to make an advance at Kane but is unsuccessful. At yet another planet, Kane is locked away and Jupiter is given a proposition.
  8. Marriage. The youthfulness of the immortals relies on the death of a 100 people per bottle (seems like we have this problem with name brand shoes made by under paid workers China…). Terrible. Again, Jupiter doesn’t show enough emotion. No tears. Nothing. She does happen to drop a bottle though. (This is really stupid). Meanwhile, Kane can’t get out
  9. After some talking – realizing that she loves Kane/can’t have him – she decides to save earth and agrees to the marriage. Everyone can tell that the guy is evil but apparently she has no other choice.
  10. Ridiculous dress – reminds me of Hunger Games. At the moment of saving her vows, Kane rushes into to save her. “You married yet?” “Nope.” “Cool, let me beat this guy and we’ll be out.” Kane had been killed by throwing him outside of the ship with nothing but 30 minutes of oxygen and space. Kane’s backup had found him, freed him, and then he went to save her.
  11. They return to earth but creatures similar to the TMNT show up saying that she either hands over earth or her family dies. Jupiter agrees to meet with the other son of the family (more evil than the last). Kane rides behind in his ship but they lose track through the hurricane/thunderstorm.
  12. Turn over earth! Either she does that and many more people die or she keeps earth and dies. If she dies, the son won’t be able to have earth anyway. Decides that maybe she needs to sign over earth when she witnesses her mother almost tortured. Ever so slowly (this is like a 20 minute scene) she pushes her arm to the device to seal the deal. Again, very little emotion. This is how she was getting married too. Disastrous. Oh look! Kane just broke through all the barriers and now the planet is falling apart. Yay, my hero! She pulls away and doesn’t sign it, go figure.
    1. Kane paces in the ship and his boss tells him to call down. Colleague tells him to go fetch her anyway. Boss says it’s a bad idea and they don’t support it.Off the record, go save the girl! So he goes through the hurricanes, breaks through the barrier on the planet and shows up to kick some butt… with his ice skates.
  13. I kind of tuned out but there was some fighting and some saving and really bad acting. All of family is saved via Kane and put in the ship by the beam up scotty light. The entire world is falling apart. Of course they share a kiss as they believe it might be the last time they meet Jupiter is fighting the son (he was such a better actor in Theory of Everything). And then there’s a moment.
  14. LION KING!!! A simba/scar moment when they’re about to fall and the son reveals that he killed their mother. Jupiter has an adrenaline rush (she already knew that he murdered his mother) and the guy falls to his death. Some more heroics, falling to her death, and ice skating…
  15. Oh no, we’re left behind (hehe, no pun intended). But they miraculously get pulled into the portal suction with the ship and show up just outside of the ship with their space helmets on. Yay!
  16. She returns home. She gets a telescope (the one she’s been eyeing on ebay forever – partly due to her father’s obsession – her name is Jupiter). But she declines the offer to check it out because she’s got a date. What’s his name? His sign? His… etc. She responds that she doesn’t know. And NO ONE asks any more questions. Weird…
  17. She shows up on the roof with Kane who has his wings back. A werewolf with wings… She laces up her ice skates as Kane no longer needs them. They kiss – looks like Maximum Ride and Fang by James Patterson. She has decided on not telling anyone about owning earth or Kane. She jumps off the roof and yells, “Look at me!” Before Kane follows.
    1. Anybody else find it weird? Look at me? If I decided to learn how to skateboard and Tony Hawk showed up. I wouldn’t say anything. In fact, I’d hide my skateboard and just watch him do his thing. I wouldn’t tell him to look at me. He could do whatever I did, backwards, with his eyes closed, and hands tied behind his back…

Alright, I probably skipped over a few things but the details are these:

Always follow the lesser evil. Don’t sell your eggs. Fall in love with the guy who could tear out your throat. And always, always wait till the last minute to show some courage.

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